Somewhere
Over The 40-Something Rainbow
If you’ve reached the big 4 – 0 and beyond, you know that 40 is not the new 30. It’s
by no means anything like 30, new or old. It’s 40, and it comes with opportunities and challenges like all stages of
life.
The 21st-century 40-something is living a much different existence than his or her parents. With
technological breakthroughs, information accessibility, socioeconomic developments, cultural shifts, medical advancements,
global collaboration, and acute individual awareness — the way people experience life is rapidly changing from one moment
to the next.
“Modern 40-somethings tend to be stuck between a few different stages of life, which is not
only one of the greatest challenges of being 40-something, but also the root of the other challenges as well,” said
Brooke Miller, founder of Soapbox Therapy: Modern Commentary. Expert Advice.
“In your 20s, society’s expectation is that you’re in a trial and error period
of your life," continued Miller. "People forgive you for making mistakes, and it’s assumed there’s ample
time to fix them. In your 50s and 60s, society’s expectations jump to a place where life is seen through a lens of accomplishments,
things you’ve done in the past, rather that what’s to come. So, somehow in your 40s, you’re expected to
shift in a big way . . . from mistake making and trying things on, to accomplishing and pro-creating and raising and making
and finishing and ending.”
Most 40-somethings will agree that the expectations they face are much greater
than they anticipated encountering at this point in their lives. Many thought these would be days of stability, satisfaction,
and contentment, only to be disappointed by reality.
In addition to feeling stuck-ness between stages, Miller suggested 40-somethings’ greatest challenges are what she calls the
should-ing
epidemic and the supposed to syndrome, “Forty-somethings are life experienced and often feel they should
be doing or feeling certain things by a certain point in their lives that they aren’t yet.
“[Experiencing]
the supposed
to syndrome, 40-somethings often feel they are not supposed
to shift and change and transition into new and unknown territory. They are not supposed to uproot, not supposed to date that
certain type of person, not supposed to wear those jeans, not supposed to change their career . . . and on and on.”
Whether feeling stuck, overwhelmed by what he should be doing, or restrained by what she isn’t supposed to do, 40-somethings can tackle concerns and challenges, shaping their present and future lives.
“It’s about giving yourself permission to be where you’re at,” said Miller. “There are
no rules and, contrary to popular belief, there is actually no one worth listening to who’s saying that at this age
you need to be at this point — or else.
“Be the master of your own domain —
drop the should, drop the supposed to, and start vigorously listening to your gut. If you’re not happy, figure out what
you need to do to get there; then consider doing it. Go to therapy. It’s different than it used to be. Get quiet, and
ask yourself tough questions. Don’t blame anyone, especially your age. Know that starting over or starting different
is in fact an option . . . there’s time. And if you make a mess . . . there’s time to clean it up.
“This is about realizing that the only thing that’s going to help in shifting out of the stuck-ness is going deep inside, scooping out who you really are, listening to that person, and following their
lead with purpose.”
Whether you go to therapy as Miller suggests, partner with a life coach,
or figure things out on your own, your current and future happiness is worth the effort.
“In your 40s,
you have a special something,” proclaimed Miller. “You’re experienced enough to know what truth feels like,
and you’re young enough to believe in the magic of it. You pretty much have the upper hand — if you so choose
to use it.”
Life after the big 4 – 0 can be fun, satisfying, exciting, and everything you want it to be. Embrace who you
are, filter expectations, and figure out what you need for a happy and rewarding future.
Special thanks to Brooke Miller for sharing her thoughts on today’s greatest challenges faced
by 40-somethings.
Learn your story, love yourself, and launch your life.
— Soapbox Therapy Mission
About Brooke Miller and Soapbox Therapy
Brooke Miller was born in Detroit, raised in Chicago, lost herself in Los Angeles, and found herself in San Francisco
. . . sort of. She received her BA in Communication from the University of Southern California, and after a 4-year dose of
living in Hollywood, she got her Masters degree in Psychology. Somewhere between trying to understand it all and becoming
gleefully addicted to growth, she proudly founded Soapbox Therapy: Modern Commentary. Expert Advice. In addition to being
“The Soapbox Therapist,” she works as a counselor in San Francisco public high schools with teens and families,
as well as with adults in her Noe Valley office. She lives, speaks, writes, and tries to figure it all out . . . in San Francisco.
Soapbox Therapy is a column and a concept. Founded as a response to the stereotypes and judgments placed on therapeutic
support, reaching out for help, and being honest about our lives and emotions, Soapbox Therapy combines loving your outside
(including being proud of the joy that finding a pair of ass-fabulous jeans creates in your soul), yet still loving, respecting,
and acknowledging the deliciousness of your inner world — it’s about being whole, for real.
Soapbox Therapy is published in several publications in print and online including The San Francisco Chronicle’s monthly insert The IS Collection; Cheeky Chicago; and Primer Magazine, (the weekly magazine for guys who want to be better men).
Soapbox Therapy will change the world of emotional wellbeing, making self-discovery stylish and self-esteem sexy, once
and for all. Read More
Contact Brooke Miller, Soapbox Therapy
